So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
