I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
