I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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