What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
