the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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