Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
