I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
