I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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