So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
