I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
