Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
