so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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