dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
