Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
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