YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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