remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
