Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
