i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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