just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
