I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
