I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
