dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
