This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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