one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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