Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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