Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
