I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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