My cat gives me a boner
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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