I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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