I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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