I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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