my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Randomize
