no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize