I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
