I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
