I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
