Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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