i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
