i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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