You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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