Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
