i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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