Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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