Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
