How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
