Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
