Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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