new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
