He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
