They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
