so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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