We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Randomize
