did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
