Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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