it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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