I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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