Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
