lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
