Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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