how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
