you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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