last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
