Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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