Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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