Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
