I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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