My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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